Thursday, 25 July 2013

Miss Ray of Sunshine

Maybe we could blame Zooey Deschenel. Maybe it's Lorelai from Gilmore Girls. For some unknown reason, boys expect girls to be happy all the time. If we are in a bad mood then we have to hide it or risk being told we are being 'boring', 'unreasonable' or 'hormonal'.

The truth of the matter, is that Zooey's character on New Girl - the girl who is always happy - does not exist. Many of us try to be her, but ultimately nobody can be happy all the time.
It is time for guys to realise that Little Miss Ray Of Sunshine does not exist.
And why should we try to please guys all the time?
Obviously, I'm not saying that we should be grumpy all the time, but it is not necessary to always be chirpy when you're actually in a shmood.

Just bear that in mind next time you say 'my day was good' after having the worst day known to mankind.

Hazard Perception: Dating

At present, my mind is completely full of driving theory lingo and rules etc because I have to take my test on Saturday...
Part of this test is hazard perception, which is seeing potential hazards and thinking about how to deal with them. And I just realised that relationships, from friendships to guys you are dating, all require a bit of hazard perception: identifying potential problems and reacting before anything can happen.

When choosing where to go on your date (we are modern women, gals, and guys now expect us to choose where we are going) you need to think about
1. The atmosphere you want. If you barely know the guy then I would usually suggest going to the cinema because this requires no talking and your small talk before and after can just be about how much you want to see/ how much you liked the film. BUT then Nice Guy took me to the cinema and decided to try to get to know me whilst the film was showing (which resulted in a lot of evil glares and shhhhhhh's from old ladies in front of us). So I would now recommend getting a coffee instead. If the date is going well ten you guys can walk around after or go get some dinner. But if you need a Mission Abort then you can wolf down that latte and get out of there after 30 mins tops.
2. How you want the date to end. If you want a goodbye kiss then I would avoid taking him to see Ice Age at the cinema, or taking him to the zoo. If you want the kiss then take him to dinner, or take him to Covent Garden in London. If it is winter then ice skating is a must!
3. What you want to wear. Have a new dress that you are dying to show off? Take him to Zizzis, not Nandos.

Think that covers hazard perception for dating.
But I've also been thinking about Hazard Perception for...
I don't have a boyfriend or anything, and I am referring to my guy best friend, Funny Guy, when I write this. However, it does also apply to boyfriends.
The key thing is not to get too attached. With Funny Guy we talk ALL DAY and we never run out if things to say. We get on so well and he is lovely, but I don't want to get too attached. When you get attached you get reliant on hearing from him all the time. And you won't be that close forever- he will distance himself from you at some point and if you are too reliant on his constant companionship the this will upset you.
How to avoid this hazard: don't get too attached or clingy. He could be here today and gone tomorrow
But maybe this is just my cynicism talking.

Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx
P.S. I no longer fancy the Cutie at my school because he is flirty with every member of the female race.
P.P.S I was snap chatting Arrogant Arse (Cardigan Boy) and he stopped replying...!

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Phasing Out

I think that some things in life are inevitable: it was inevitable that either Jack or Rose was going to die in Titanic, it was inevitable that Rachel was going to get off the plane in FRIENDS, and it is inevitable that you will meet a guy, get very close to him, and then be phased out.
Whether this is a boy you fancy or whether this is a boy you just feel close to as a friend (like I am with Funny Guy), being Phased Out has a few simple steps:
1. He replies to your texts with a totally unrelated topic, usually about himself. This shows that he is not interested in what you want to say and just wants to talk about himself. He's not interested in you anymore.
2. His replies get less frequent and he apologises, saying he is busy with his work.
3. His replies get even less frequent until they eventually stop.

This happened with Knight and it's happening with Funny Guy.
When this does happen, you have 2 options:
A. Cling: you can ask him why he hasn't replied to you and appear to be Desperado for him to like you. Then you can repeatedly text him and pray he will reply. DON'T CHOOSE THIS OPTION - I know from my experience with Knight that you will feel awful after this.
B. Laid-back Lady: Just accept it and move on. If he wants to talk to you then he knows where you are. Don't make him talk to you if he doesn't want to. And this is what I shall do with Funny Guy, who claims he is 'too busy' to talk right now.
But with Funny Guy we have been talking for a month non-stop so maybe a break from our friendship is what we both need.

Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Sunday, 14 July 2013

Dating Siberia

Hello, Chums.
I think there comes a time in every teen's life when they don't fancy anyone, nobody fancies them, and they are at a stalemate with boy kind. If you are one of those lucky bums who has a new boyfriend every month then stop reading now.
For the rest of us Singletons, I have some thoughts to share with you.
It seems that we are in Dating Siberia which, like the film Casablanca, is the waiting-room for Bigger and Better things (i.e. either a relationship or a lifetime as a cool singleton).
Dating Siberia can be as fun or as restless as you want it to be.
I see it as a liberating place where we can do whatever we want to. But that's just me!
However, as part of The 18-Bucket List (list of things i want to do before I turn 18 in 4 months' time) I need to get out of Dating Siberia and go on a date with a nice and fun and funny boy who cares about me and will take me to the beach.

I haven't been on a date since... Nice Guy. He was the boy who took me out but we had nothing in common. As in, Shakespeare and Channing Tatum were better suited than me and him.
And since him I have just been drunkenly kissing horrible boys (although none since Curly Haired Guy which was 4 months' ago! Gals, I'm starting to forget how kissing works. Are there lips involved?)

One way that girls my age get out of Dating Siberia is by having sex. I personally know of girls my age who have done this and now have boyfriends. For instance, there was a couple at my school who had casual sex and have now taken their FWB to a boyfriend/girlfriend stage. Then there is Knight, the Knobhead who bitchslapped my heart. He recently went on holiday with his ex and they probably had sex and now they are back together and out of Dating Siberia. Therefore, casual sex could be the way forward.

HOWEVER, I am not like most girls. I find the idea of drunken casual sex as appealing as a donner kebab dipped in strawberry milkshake.
It isn't something that I will attempt. But I won't judge anyone who does try it! Unfortunately, I am the last of the breed of the Hopeless Romantics, although many of you know that I am usually just Hopeless.

Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal

Crush Dilemmas

Last Saturday I was so blindingly drunk that I managed to
A. Jump on a trampoline in mahoosive heels and twist my ankle
B. Flirt with 3 boys (including Cardigan Boy, and 2 boys from school)
C. Give the impression that I had kissed these 3 boys.
D. Be described as "the highlight of the night" by one of the most popular girls at school.
E. Not pass out or throw up
F. Not remember hardly any of the night.

Well, what I do remember of the night was that I severely twisted my ankle and was carried around throughout the night by my 3 knights in shining armour: Cardigan Boy, Cutie and Froggie.
Froggie and I have French together (hence the nickname) and I remember that we were getting on really well, but we are just really good friends.
At this party, my friend made me realise that Cardigan Boy is an Arrogant Arse (see the previous post).
And then there is Cutie...
Cutie carried me and we get along really well. He loves Magic FM, which is my favourite station. And he is really cute!

Well... I have a teeny tiny crush on Cutie, but I keep cocking things up at school!
OK, Incident Number One: He said "Hey, you alright?" and I forgot how to form words with my mouth, and tried to say "Hi" and "Yeah" and the same time.
I said "Heaaah". That's not even a word! It was a cringy mumbly thing!

Incident Number Two: When he smiled at me I went all red like a beetroot.

Incident Number Three: When he held the door open for me I couldn't bring myself to say thank you so I look like a rude meanie beanie.

Harrumph. In case you haven't noticed, my life is so sad right now that people would pay not to play me in a movie.
Aaaaaand my very good friend, Funny Guy, is absolutely lovely but again there are so many mixed signals! When he is drunk he says I am beautiful and too good for Knight (who got back with Slutcliffe) and yet he also says we are best friends. But then he said that his best friend is this other girl. So confusing!

Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Arrogant Arse

Hello Chums,
Sorry I haven't written in so long and i genuinely have no idea why! However, I have been jotting down things in my notebooks of things I need to tell you, and this starts with the new breed of male which I have recently encountered: The Arrogant Arse.
These male specimens come in 2 forms: the downright blatant & the subtle.
The downright blatant Arrogant Arses are the ones who openly brag about how many girls they have slept with. These boys spend more time looking in the mirror than checking their Twitter. In brief, they think with their briefs and not with their brains.
The subtle ones are clever little buggers. They have a shy charm which draws you to them, making you think that they are cute and timid. Then BAM! You realise that their ego is bigger than Russia.
There is no way of telling if the guy is genuinely shy or if he is an undercover Arrogant Arse. it usually takes one incident or comment for him to reveal his true arrogant nature.

For me, this happened last weekend with Cardigan Boy.
Cardigan Boy appears to be a very sweet, quiet and friendly boy. As I mentioned in other posts, he appeared to have a crush on me, and I wanted to try out a nice boy for once, so I spent some time trying to get to know Cardigan Boy. I asked him questions, had private jokes with him and we were getting on really well. And then the 'BAM' happened.
He told all my friends that he would 'go for it' with me, but he thinks that I want a relationship, whilst he does not.

WOAH WOAH WOAH. I never ever ever told him that I wanted a relationship, and I certainly did not give off a Clingy I-Want-A-Relationship Vibe. So why on earth did he think this?
The answer is: he is an Arrogant Arse. And now when I see him I understand what Carly Simon was talking about - he walked into the party like he was walking onto a yacht.

He has an ego the size of Europe and he expects girls to swoon for his fake timidness! How dare he!
I'm imparting this wisdom to you: don't be fooled by shy guys.
Us chicas have to stick together,

Sunday, 7 July 2013

Mixed Signals from Cardigan Boy

Recently, all of my Posh Boy friends have been trying to get me to go out with Cardigan Boy (who is the shy, lovely Posh Boy). I haven't been 100% sure about this because
A. Whilst I have un-renounced boys, I am still aware that most guys are Knobheads and Manwhores.
B. I no longer trust the Posh Boys after having been with one of them, Curly Haired Guy, and he then left me for a 10-year old Bimbo (I exaggerate, she is Year 11. But still. That is young.)

Well, I realised that I don't know Cardigan Boy at all, so I have been trying to get to know him. On Friday we had a lot of banter going on, but he didn't make me laugh. It was kind of one-sided to be honest. Last night I felt so clingy around him! This was partially because I went on a trampoline in heels and twisted my ankle, therefore not being able to stand up alone. However, I also just felt reliant on him, because I had a tiny crush on him.

But my amazing new friend Gingernut pointed out that whilst Cardigan Boy is nice he is arrogant. And now I see that he falls into the third category of guys I like: Arrogant Arses.
He makes me do all the work, all the flirting and most of the talking! Yet he just stays cool as a cucumber whilst I make a fool out of myself. Nope, I am done with trying to impress people. From now on, if he likes me then he will have to chase me. No, correction: I do not want him to chase me, because I do not want to date him. The world is full of Knobheads, Manwhores and Arrogant Arses, but I am convinced that there must be SOME nice people out there. And it will be my mission to find them.

Speaking of Knobheads, I have some Knight News
For those of you who haven't read the blog for long, Knight was my best friend for 2 years and I friendzoned him. Then when he said he loved me last year I told him I loved him too. Then he ignored me for a year, got a girlfriend, got engaged and then texted me again. A few months ago I met up with him and it was great. But he has a horrible impact on me: he is the only boy I have ever loved, and he knows it. So he treats me like shit and knows I will forgive him.
As part of my new persona as an Independent Almost-18 Year Old, I am going to stop thinking about and forgiving Knight.
He really is a knobhead.
And my new friend, Gingernut, told me that Knight the Knobhead is also a Manwhore and he tried to get with her! Oh, dear! My taste is, as Funny Guy says, absolutely appalling.

Also, on Friday my friend Tree (who I kissed at the beginning of the year) kissed a lovely girl, so that is cool.
And last night there was another party, where I twisted my ankle and was literally picked up by 3 very nice and cute guys. They are just friends but I thought they were really lovely to do that!

Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

My new 18-Bucket List

I'm afraid that my fantabulissimo Renouncement of Boys shall have to be ended. I was truthfully going to follow it through, but I have realised that I only have 4 months left of being a child and then I will be 18 and an adult. I will be able to buy cigarettes and Vodka and everything will be weird and my adolescence will be over.
But I still have 4 months, so I am launching Operation: Save Adolescence.
I want to complete my 18-Bucket List this year so I shall talk about it in more detail:
- Go on a date with a boy who actually cares about me
- Find a guy who has the same music taste as me
- Go skinny dipping
- Have a PROPER holiday romance (not a drunken snog!)
- Meet new people (ESP on holiday)
- Go to the park on a date
- steal a hot guy's hoodie
- Make friends at an art gallery
- Eat a kebab
- volunteer in a shop
- Finish my short story book
- meet a cute guy at a library/bookshop/library
- try to buy alcohol even though underage
- go to Desperados, the Mexican restaurant where everyone gets served!
- meet someone called Paolo
- learn to do the Cha Cha
- learn all the lyrics to an eminem song
- Go to a festival
- Go to Notting Hill (and the festival there)
- sneak out of my house late at night
- Get abso-fucking-lutely over knight. Today I relapsed and went to the park he used to take me to. It's so pathetic how I loved him, and I had never loved anyone before Knight. But he has ducked everything up and whilst I know I came across as being needy, he is totally to blame for our friendship ending.
There are other things I wanted to do, like wear a guy's jacket and climb a tree and go to London on a
date, and visit a comic store. But I realised I had done all of this!
There is a lot, and I still want to ride on a moped,
Keep you posted xxxx

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Renouncing Boys

Guys, I haven't written in a while because I didn't want to jinx it but...
Brace yourselves.

I have renounced all boys. Now, I know I have done this time and time again in the past. I have renounced boys and then been like, "Oh, Z is so hot" or I have been like "Oh, I do need a boyfriend".
These days are over!
I think I just decided: Enough is enough. And now I am feeling like a Zen hen, and I've been renouncing guys for 2 weeks now. Considering I am a Grammar Gal who has Boys on the Brain, this is a major achievement.
True, there have been relapses. For instance, a couple of days ago I texted Knight (the boy I knew for 2 years, fell in love with, he ignored me for a year, started talking to me again, then ignored me again) and said I missed him as a friend.
Yes, I should have learned from this mistake but DON'T JUDGE ME PLEASE.
Thinking about Knight makes me feel like a blue moo, because there is so much I wish I had said and done before things had ended so horribly between us (with me texting him that I didn't need him and that I was like Trotsky and didn't need a best friend. Fuck.)
But this renouncement won't go on forever - I am Grammar Gal, not Nunnery Gal.
Therefore, I think I'll continue for another 2-4 weeks of this Renouncement, because it really makes you feel Zen.
Girls, if any of you are single then I urge you fabulous chicas to Renounce guys with me and feel the power.

Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Therefore I need a new 18-Bucket List: things I want to do before I turn 18:
- Holiday romance
- Sober kiss
- Perhaps a relationship
- Ride on a moped. It could happen!