Saturday, 26 January 2013

Valentine's Syndrome

The way I see it, what I'm going through is pretty normal.
Lately I've been in a shmood (a shit mood) and it's mainly to do with boys and heartbreak etc etc...
I realised the other day that Valentine's Day is shortly approaching and somewhere in my mind the bitchy secretary who sorts out my love life decided to confuse the fuck out of me.
But perhaps this is all normal...perhaps it's something that every girl has to deal with. I think that doctors should prescribe medecine (i.e. Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie) to combat this dangerous illness: it's called Valentione's Syndrome.
There are Four Main Stages to Valentine's Syndrome, as I have unfortunately discovered:

Symptoms: whilst in this stage, phrases like "solidarity, sistaa!" and "girl power" and "screw men" will be used.
This is the fun stage, where you realise that your friends are the only ones that matter but, as I said, there is a bitchy secretary in the "love life" section of your brain who is just desperate to make your Valentine's a living hell. Which leads me on to...

Symptoms: finding many boys attractive and having several little crushes.
This was me at the beginning of the week; I had a crush on some of the boys in my school (even Tree...!!)
But this phase ended when I realised that all of the boys I had crushes on, either
A. Had girlfriends (if people don't make it Facebook Official then it's harder to tell grrrr...!)
B. Were manhores/manscum who objectify women
C. Were just friends material

Unfortunately I entered this stage yesterday whilst reading through my e-mails, where I came across an e-mail from Knight from 2010 sent at 8am in the morning, saying that he knew we hadn't talked in ages but he was in love with me. And I had ignored the e-mail because I was a stupid stupid stupid stupid idiot.
So then I shed a little tear.
And then I got home and made the MAHOOSIVE mistake of reading through old conversations we had. It's hard to describe my Thing with Knight. He was one in a million and I'm not sure I'll ever find someone who really understood me and my sense of humour. And I liked who I was whenever I was with him. And he liked - and actually encouraged - my weirdness. He was perfect. And then I couldn't stop crying (genuinely must have lost weight in my tears).
To make matters worse I had a dream:
I was sitting on the bus and I saw him sitting opposite me, and I ran off the bus. Then suddenly he was behind me and he told me he'd never stopped loving me and that, if I was ready, he wanted to be my boyfriend. So he went and dumped Sutcliffe and then he came to my parents' party, where my friends and I were all dressed up. We played board games together and it was really nice; as easy as breathing.
And then I woke up.
And then I realised that Knight does not love me anymore and that whilst I haven't changed, he has. The old Knight is gone and the new Knight cannot be bothered with my weirdness and complexity and he's fallen in love with Sutcliffe.
So after listening to Magic FM and sending him some pathetic text last night about how we should talk more (cringe at my life), I'm finally onto Stage Four

And this is where I am now. I can't be fucked to get a boyfriend or chase a boy because they're all tossers. It would take a miracle for a guy to sweep me off my feet. But let the record show that I am usually the optimist about love - my motto is "never give up" and "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be". But now I'm going through a phase where my friends are the only ones I want to spend time with - boys shall have to wait (they aren't worth the time/pain).

And on this uncharacteristically gloomy note, I bid you all a happy valentines day - whether you have a boyfriend or if you're a Single Pringle like me.
And if you are feeling down in the dumps right now then remember: Ben and Jerry will always be there for you.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Single as a Pringle

Well it turns out that Funny Guy does have a girlfriend. Of course he does - all the funny guys are taken!
Don't know what's happening to me - I appear to have crossed the line from Trying Out Dating to Boy Obsessed/Desperate. I blame Doomsday which is approaching - a.k.a. Valentine's Day which, for singletons, is synonymous with torture.
Oh, and today Tree walked into the room whilst I was stuffing my face with biscuits and had an attractive ring of crumbs around my mouth. Fan-fricking-tastic!
So, here's the New Plan of Action: I don't need a man, I just need friends.
So this Valentine's shall probably be spent with my lovers Ben and Jerry and our love-child Toblerone. Who needs a man when you can have Maltesers?
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Monday, 21 January 2013

How to tell if a guy has a girlfriend

What a predicament.
There is a boy who makes me laugh and I'm considering seeing if there's anything there (we're going to a party and everything). BUT a certain friend of mine tells me that this Funny Guy has a girlfriend.
The question is: how do we know? If you're in the same situation as I am then take note of my 6 ways to know if he has a girlfriend:
1. Check his Facebook Profile. This sounds simple enough, but nowadays guys won't admit they're in a relationship with someone until they've been dating for months. So you could be wasting your time on a guy who's dating someone else but hasn't made it Facebook Official yet. Funny Guy may fall into this category I'm afraid...
2. Ask your friends. If you have mutual friends with the boy then they should know all the gossip.
3. Ask his friends - that is, if you're friends with his friends (otherwise that would be beyond awkward)
4. Browse some of his Facebook pictures - if he has
A. A profile picture with a girl and loads of people comment "awww you guys" or "so cute" then it's probable that they're dating
B. Loads of pictures of days out they've had alone together, then they're probably dating

5. If you and the boy chat a lot then you can ask him (in)directly if he has a girlfriend - i.e. "Do you have a girlfriend? I seem to have forgotten..." or "Valentine's Day sucks when you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend - right?"

6. WARNING: this method will constitute cocking-up the situation but it is nonetheless effective: get drunk and call/text/ask him in person.

Keep you posted how the party with Funny Guy goes and let's hope, for once, we avoid doing number 6...!
Grammar Gal xxx

Friday, 18 January 2013

New Gust of Optimism

Let's take a look at some statistics...:
Number of boys I currently fancy: 0
Number of books I have read that will make me Oxbridge-material: 0
Amount of revision I have done for my up-coming mocks: 0

That's a lot of 0s. But...
Number of amazing friends: At least 10.
And here I am again, writing to you with a new surge (a gust, if you will) if optimism; I know that, somewhere, there is a boy who shall be fantabulous and, yes, I shall probably cock things up with him, but then I'll find another boy. The cycle will continue until things stop going tits-up and I find someone that I can be a goof with, and who appreciates that I like to sing on the train, speak to strangers at the cinema (including a lovely convo with the man getting my drink ready today), dance in the rain and sit cross-legged on chairs.
Someday I'll find someone just like that :D
Oh, and I am the bearer of good news: I replied to Knight's text , he then replied to me. But he didn't ask me any questions in his text so my friends have advised me that it's best not to text him back (he's not interested and, given that he has a girlfriend, can we blame him?!)

Well, anyways. I've come to realise that Ferris Bueller (from the film) is the epitome of perfection and maybe he has an identical twin out there somewhere...
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Sunday, 13 January 2013

Feeling like a Blue Smartie

Gaaa I just feel so...wretched...!!
I've always said that when one area of your life is going well, another goes tits-up. But what is a girl to do when they all go tits-up?! If I had to do a CV of my life at this moment in life then I would not employ me:
Behind after leaving most of my work in my locker. Am going to have to pull a Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible tomorrow and sneak into my locker at 7.45 (an hour before school starts), go to the library and just do it.

As much as I love my new friends, I feel like I'm constantly third-wheeling because I'm so bloody shy (I know this may come as a shock).

Pffffft. I'm more likely to win the lottery with the winning numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 than to get a boyfriend.
Z said he'd "text me the next day" and never did.
Knight didn't reply - what a shocker.
Prince's friend (a.k.a. the one who got me drunk on WKD and took me to the trampoline where I don't doubt that he, in his sober state, was going to take advantage of the situation is some way or another...!) is not my type - either in looks or in what I remember of his personality
Nice Guy is lovely-looking but not my type, despite what my mother wishes (she basically wants me to marry him - I warned you she'd love him!!)

So, yeah. I feel about as useful as the Blue Smartie who was exiled and then brought back and everyone was like "Ooooh...who cares".
But enough of this pity party! Goodness, what am I like?!!!
All problems can be solved with a positive attitude so if I just put on some rose-tinted glasses then, yes, I can see more clearly: work isn't too appalling - I'll go to work early and be on it like a car bonnet; the new friends are great so I just need to be more like me around them (less shy!); the boy situation will resolve itself and Knight's a twatfaced Knobhead - and I'm sure there are many others out there just waiting to bitchslap my heart :')
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal

P.S. Cringy tale: I ran into Afro (A.k.a. attractive sixth former in the year above) whilst looking like a hobo - no make-up had touched my face, I was wearing my comfy hoodie which makes me look like I am with child. Not an attractive look, to be honest...!!

Saturday, 12 January 2013

Very Bad Start to the Year

Oh Jesus Christ.
This year has had a bad start, to say the least.
So, first of all, I had the date with Nice Guy which went tits up when I realised we had nothing in common, he couldn't make me laugh, he's too shy and he's just not my type. Then, to make matters worse, my mother says that I should invite him to my prom "even if you don't like him". I mean, how sad/pathetic would that be...!!? In this case, my mother is undoubtedly wrong - one should not date a boy if one feels nothing towards them.
Reason Number Two that I've cocked up this year within 2 weeks: I texted Knight the Knob. Surprisingly, he actually replied.
Hey, long time no speak :')
Just wanted to appologise for getting all serious with you last year and being a numpty. I'm now in ze Dating World and s'all good in the hood :D Maybs we'll be chums in the distant future :) xx

To which he replied:
Hey man how tings?
Ah the spinster is getting out there haha
yeah that would be nice :) xx

Now, to the untrained eye, this may appear to be a good stepping stone to us being friends again. But I, and those of you who have been reading this blog for donkeys years, will know that this sly bugger texts me back once or twice and then stops.
But enough about him. This year, 2013, was meant to be a Knight-free year. I was going to become the Mayoress of the Dating World and find a proper Gentleman to whisk me away.
Argh. I hate cocking-up things. I just hope he knows that I just want to be friends and not interfere with his girlfriend.
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Sunday, 6 January 2013

And the verdict is...

Tonight I met up with Nice Guy, the first guy I've been in a date-like scenario with since Knight. Needless to say, this was a big milestone and I'm pretty impressed that the 4 reasons I came up with, for why I couldn't make it tonight, stayed in my Drafts Box on my phone:
 1. My parents are taking me on a roadtrip to Cornwall
 2. my aunt's in labour
 3. I'm driving my sister back to uni
 4. my lesbian lover wants to spend time with me so I won't be able to make it

However, being a heterosexual whose sister is not going back to uni till next week, who cannot be bothered for the 8hr drive to Cornwall and whose aunt is not pregnant, I felt that these excuses would make me dishonest. And, besides, I figured I should try dating Nice Guy.

Well, during the film the Jury in my mind was working overtime (seriously, they should get paid for the amount of arguing they were doing up there) and it's come to a verdict: whilst dating is now less weird for me, Nice Guy is not My Type.
I know that he is the epitome of the English Gent and millions of girls would love a blonde football-fan who is cute and shy and quiet. I really tried to be attracted to him but there was just no...spark. So at the end of the night it felt natural to hug him (neither of us leaned in for any kisses or anything). He's a friend but nothing more.
Unfortunately, the whole Knight thing has changed my view about things. If you're new to the blog then the summary of the 'Knight thing' is: he was the Perfect Boy, the mixture between James Dean and George Peppard from Breakfast at Tiffany's and I only saw him as a friend and whenever he asked me to be his girlfriend I freaked out, then I started liking him but didn't want to make a move because I felt shy, then he said he loved me and I said I did too, then he got a girlfriend a month later. Our dates were awkward to start with but I felt comfortable in his company by the end of it all. Ah well, I'm sure his girlfriend's nice.
I'm side-tracking. The Knight Thing has taught me that if a guy and a girl meet up alone on more than one occassion then the guy and both of their friends will count it as "dating". I, however, don't want to date Nice Guy so I cannot meet up with him again - I don't want to give him the wrong impression (as I did to Knight all that time ago!)

So the Verdict is, that Nice Guy is perfect. But he's not perfect for me.
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Saturday, 5 January 2013

Guess who's dating...

Tomorrow I'm meeting up with Nice Guy.
Reasons this is a good thing:
1. He's nice.
2. He's friendly
3. My parents would LOVE him. Literally: he's polite and he's a West Ham fan
4. He's around my age (we're both driving)
5. He's a gent.

And it is these reasons that I'm going to focus on. Not the little things that are niggling me - I attracted to him? Do we have a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g in common? (he's a Christian and he likes football - again, my parents would love him).

But lets put them niggling niggles to the back of the mind and focus on the present - I have a date with a cute guy.
I just had a caffeine tablet and I'm freaking out that I'm going to implode. My tummy hurts. What if it's my liver? What if my liver just dissolved?!
Keep you posted when I'm calmer and not...shaking,
Grammar Gal

Thursday, 3 January 2013

To Date or Not To Date

If I was rich and weird enough, I would have a therapist.
I'm not sure why but I just freeeeaaaakkk out at the idea of meeting up with a boy. Just me and him. No-one else.
My heart's thudding just thinking about it!
But, the thing is, that unless I go out there and take the Dating World by the balls then my Teenage Spinsterdom will become permanent.
Decisions decisions.
In case you're wondering what this is in reference to, Nice Guy asked me if I want to meet up with him. It is times like this that we hate me, Grammar Gal. I am an actual knobhead.
I should meet up with him, really. He's sweet and nice. My usual type? Not necessarily. But that's not really relevant.
Oh dear. Well, one thing's for certain: hiding my phone and avoiding the problem is not the solution.
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx