Valentine's Syndrome

The way I see it, what I'm going through is pretty normal.
Lately I've been in a shmood (a shit mood) and it's mainly to do with boys and heartbreak etc etc...
I realised the other day that Valentine's Day is shortly approaching and somewhere in my mind the bitchy secretary who sorts out my love life decided to confuse the fuck out of me.
But perhaps this is all normal...perhaps it's something that every girl has to deal with. I think that doctors should prescribe medecine (i.e. Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie) to combat this dangerous illness: it's called Valentione's Syndrome.
There are Four Main Stages to Valentine's Syndrome, as I have unfortunately discovered:

STAGE ONE - THE "SINGLE AND LOVING IT" STAGE
Symptoms: whilst in this stage, phrases like "solidarity, sistaa!" and "girl power" and "screw men" will be used.
This is the fun stage, where you realise that your friends are the only ones that matter but, as I said, there is a bitchy secretary in the "love life" section of your brain who is just desperate to make your Valentine's a living hell. Which leads me on to...

STAGE TWO - THE BEING-ATTRACTED-TO-EVERYONE STAGE
Symptoms: finding many boys attractive and having several little crushes.
This was me at the beginning of the week; I had a crush on some of the boys in my school (even Tree...!!)
But this phase ended when I realised that all of the boys I had crushes on, either
A. Had girlfriends (if people don't make it Facebook Official then it's harder to tell grrrr...!)
B. Were manhores/manscum who objectify women
C. Were just friends material

STAGE THREE - THE GHOST OF EXES PAST
Unfortunately I entered this stage yesterday whilst reading through my e-mails, where I came across an e-mail from Knight from 2010 sent at 8am in the morning, saying that he knew we hadn't talked in ages but he was in love with me. And I had ignored the e-mail because I was a stupid stupid stupid stupid idiot.
So then I shed a little tear.
And then I got home and made the MAHOOSIVE mistake of reading through old conversations we had. It's hard to describe my Thing with Knight. He was one in a million and I'm not sure I'll ever find someone who really understood me and my sense of humour. And I liked who I was whenever I was with him. And he liked - and actually encouraged - my weirdness. He was perfect. And then I couldn't stop crying (genuinely must have lost weight in my tears).
To make matters worse I had a dream:
I was sitting on the bus and I saw him sitting opposite me, and I ran off the bus. Then suddenly he was behind me and he told me he'd never stopped loving me and that, if I was ready, he wanted to be my boyfriend. So he went and dumped Sutcliffe and then he came to my parents' party, where my friends and I were all dressed up. We played board games together and it was really nice; as easy as breathing.
And then I woke up.
And then I realised that Knight does not love me anymore and that whilst I haven't changed, he has. The old Knight is gone and the new Knight cannot be bothered with my weirdness and complexity and he's fallen in love with Sutcliffe.
So after listening to Magic FM and sending him some pathetic text last night about how we should talk more (cringe at my life), I'm finally onto Stage Four

STAGE FOUR - HATRED FOR MEN, CYNICISM ABOUT OTHER COUPLES, CONSIDERING A NUNNERY
And this is where I am now. I can't be fucked to get a boyfriend or chase a boy because they're all tossers. It would take a miracle for a guy to sweep me off my feet. But let the record show that I am usually the optimist about love - my motto is "never give up" and "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be". But now I'm going through a phase where my friends are the only ones I want to spend time with - boys shall have to wait (they aren't worth the time/pain).

And on this uncharacteristically gloomy note, I bid you all a happy valentines day - whether you have a boyfriend or if you're a Single Pringle like me.
And if you are feeling down in the dumps right now then remember: Ben and Jerry will always be there for you.
xxx