Thursday, 31 December 2015

How to do New Years as a Sober Cobra

It's 2.20am on New Years' Eve and I have never been more awake. This is absolutely unprecedented, since I am usually passed out by 10pm (that's not even an exaggeration - last year I was vomming by 9.15!) But this year, I was put on antibiotics 2 days before New Years, meaning I absolutely could not drink (NB: these were "really strong" antibiotics, so I was told that I couldn't even have a cheeky glass of champers, or there would be some sort of weird chemical reaction...after images of me frothing at the mouth, I decided to pass on this)

Yet even though I am a Sober Cobra, I've actually had an amazing night hosting a party for my friends. So I thought I would share some tips on how to enjoy your New Years without getting White Girl Wasted:

1. Take a LOT of Caffeine. One or two Diet Cokes will not be enough. I'd already had 5 mini cans of Diet Coke before my friends had even arrived. And then I played a little drinking game called "Drink a Mini Diet Coke Every Time My Friends Top Up Their Drink". Needless to say, I've had over 10 of the cans. I also had a caffeine tablet when I started my Caffeine Crash at about 11.

2. Find Sober Allies. These are the people you will be popping to caffeine tablets with and trying not to judge your drunk skunk friends with.

3. Don't judge your drunk friends. Nobody likes the sober judgy friend who raises their eyebrows and asks "are you sure that Tequila shot is a good idea?" Like, hell yeah it's a great idea! So what if they vom? Let them have their fun, you have no right to judge!

4. Let go. Sober dancing is my least favourite thing in the whole world. Dancing requires coordination and rhythm, neither of which I have mastered. So the only time I like to slut drop and generally move in time to music is when I am absolutely smashed. But, alas, that was not possible tonight! So I was awkwardly trying to get my hips to move and not look like a puppet doll as I danced to Single Ladies, which was of course impossible. But then I looked around and realised that most of my mates were totally smashed. So I just thought I'd follow the YOLO brick road, and I was jumping around and using walnuts as maracas.

5. Embrace the DMCs. Throughout the night you will be hugged very tightly - kisses may even be involved. And then your friend will want to open up about the value of your friendship, or some deep secret they've been keeping on their chest for 5 months. And don't just shrug it off and be like "Oh, she's only saying we're besties because she's on her 8th Sambuca shot". Like, no. Drunk words are sober thoughts, so take the DMC love!

6. Don't tidy. When you're drunk you are usually oblivious to the mess around you, but when you are sober it is disturbingly apparent. My carpet is currently 50 shades of ruined. So many different drinks have been spilled down it, and there are also blobs of vaseline, and cracked walnuts scattered everywhere. But resist the temptation to get out the Cif and do a bit of scrubbing - you will literally spend all night on the floor, and you aren't Cinderella now that you're at the ball!

7. Invest in ear plugs. My friends have now gone home, but my sisters' friends (who were even more smashed than mine - who knew that was possible?!) are still here. And I can hear them alternating in vomming from my room.

So they are the top tips for staying sober but having a fantabulous time.
Happy new year!

Monday, 28 December 2015

Operation: Get a Tinder Date

So I met up with my ex, Mr Melon, on the week before Christmas. It was a rather dramatic meet-up and my emotions were on a Thorpe Park-esque rollercoaster the whole time.
Lots happened, but the thing I want to focus on is when he casually dropped into conversation that he was seeing someone. And that's totally fine.

I mean, we broke up 4 months ago - how could I expect that he'd be Notebook-style pining over me? In 4 months I could have gotten pregnant, or written a novel, or made a viral Youtube video that made me Rebecca Black-style famous. A lot can happen in 4 months. So it's only natural that he has moved on, or is at least trying to.

And now I've decided that I want to move on, too. I don't want to go all gooey-eyed over someone, but I would like to go out on a date with a nice guy who laughs at my jokes and thinks I'm adorkable (is that too much to ask?!)

So I've decided to turn to Tinder, and get me a Tinder date.
Now, I've been on Tinder for a while now, but I've never met up with any of the guys here because

A. I have too much fun being sassy with them. One guy started a conversation with "I'd like to nail you to the wall because you're a masterpiece". I replied telling him that that felt very cruxifixion-y and that I wasn't Jesus. We talked for a bit but I could tell I had insulted his masculinity, because he lost interest when I didn't fawn all over his cheesy line. And that happened a few times... Note to self: if I want to find a date, I must flatter the guy's ego (but what fun is that? Sigh)

B. I always swipe 'yes' for guys that I would never actually go for. Tim, 23, from Exeter is not the prettiest diamond on the chandelier, but he clearly put so much effort into his profile (and he 'super liked' me!) so I swiped 'yes'. But as soon as he started talking to me, I wasn't interested! Besides, he can't tell the difference between 'your' and 'you're' and, for me, that's a deal breaker.

C. Lack of common interests. So I found a guy who was so hilarious in his description of himself, and he was attractive (bonus!) So we got to talking and we realised that we both love food (yes, it's a bit of a fake common interest because we all love food - we need it to survive!) and then he went on about how much he loves lasagne, and I cocked up by telling the truth: I've never tasted lasagne. Clearly, for him, that was a big deal-breaker, since we stopped talking after that.

D. Three-letter names. I have a theory that all guys with three-letter names have been sent by Mother Nature to bitchslap my heart. Seriously: All guys that I've known who have been fuckboys have had three-letter names. Coincidence? I think not. So this guy, Cai, actually asked me on a date but he hada three-letter name!!!! I did say yes, but then I stopped replying to him because on my birthday he didn't say 'Happy Birthday' and instead said "I love me a birthday girl ;)" which I thought was gross, and I'm not looking for a horny gross boy, I'm looking for a nice guy.

But then I found a really nice guy, Tinder Tom. True, he has three letters in his name - but, hey, nobody is perfect! He's really cute and he likes fishing and he seems to find me real funny! Plus, he texted me "Merry Chrsitmas" (yes, we are on texting terms! Or, at least, we were until conversation dwindled...)

Well I've decided that I would like to go on a date with TT. But when, where and how?
I'm going to have a think, and get back to you on that one! Maybe I will text him on New Years when I'm a drunk skunk. Something cool and nonchalant like "Happy new year, you! Long time no speak, how you been?"

OK, that needs a lot of work.
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal

It's the Most Wine Flu-y Time of the Year

Across the country, millions of Brits have caught something that closely resembles what uni students call Freshers' Flu. Body parts are aching, we are too tired to get up in the morning, and our throats feel as dry as Frankie Boyle's sense of humour. In times like these, we can hardly muster the enthusiasm for the future drunken escapades of the New Year, and just the sight of red wine is enough to make us gag.

But darker times lie ahead - we all know that January Blues are a real thing. There's nothing to really look forward to in January - unless you're a disturbing couple and have already picked out your 'His & Hers' matching onesies for Valentine's Day gifts. January is also a bugger of a month because it is absolutely freezing - yet, unlike December, it doesn't feel magical because it's not Christmas. In effect, January sucks balls.

So with this in mind, I suggest that we all get out of bed, jump into the magical and warm embrace of something called a shower, and carpe that diem! We only have a week and a bit before the Most Terrible Month of the Year, so let's swear off alcohol until New Year's Eve, eat some gross healthy green stuff and get our lives together (or at least give the impression that we do!)

Pep talk over.

Sunday, 20 December 2015

How I Went from Girlfriend Goddess to Mayoress of Singleton

I am aware that I haven't written in a long time, but my (rather rubbish) excuses are three-fold:
A. I've been at uni. Now, I know that sounds like a generic "oooo I was busy" reason, but trust me: I spend my days either trying to be Hermione and living in the library, or sticking my head down the toilet and trying to Tactical Chunder to get rid of my hangover so I can carpe that diem .
B. Mr Melon and I broke up shortly after I wrote the last post. Now, don't be deceived: I haven't been Bridget Jones-ing (yes, it's a verb) and wrapped up in my duvet for the last 3 months. Instead, I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to not think about it... so I thought that writing a blog post about it would be redundant - but, heyho, here we are!!!
C. My love life has been non-existent. I'm not even sure if I'm renouncing all boys...! I'm not sure what's happening, to be honest. The most I've fancied anyone this term was this random guy who was nice to me, but after we kissed he stopped talking to me. Now, I may not be the smartest cookie in the cookie jar, but I know that if a guy isn't making an effort with you then he's just not that into you. I know this from reading the Girl Bible (if you haven't read it, then do it!), so I am now sassy when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex. 

So, due to my not wanting to think about Mr Melon as well as my lack of a love life, I haven't written in a long time. Hey, I think that these are pretty valid reasons, now that I think about it. I didn't go with the typical "I was busy" excuse (which is a sh-excuse, because if Noah can write to Ally every day for 365 days then nobody can ever be too busy to do something that's important!)

But now I'm going to briefly sum up how I cocked things up with Mr Melon.

So, we had a very intense relationship - it was very The Notebook meets The Fault in Our Stars. Only, it slowly became pretty one-sided on the intense front. He matured a lot at uni (and actually became a #LadLadLad) whereas I was still acting like Taylor Swift at the end of Blank Space when I hadn't heard from him in a while. 

And most people could tell you that I'm an overthinker. Now, normally that's a good thing - I have carefully thought through what Beatles songs I want to sing at my wedding, what I would do if I won the lottery, and whether it would be quirky or cruel to give my kids really hipster names (I've decided to go for it). But overthinking is a pain in the nipple when you're in a relationship. I was blissfully happy when I was with Mr Melon and watching films or chatting or gallivanting around the city and being all cute and PDA-y (Disclaimer: we were that couple that held hands, skipped, and sang songs together). But when he wasn't physically there (which was a lot of the time, because we were doing long distance) my brain, Bernard (yes, I've named him) started being a difficult dick and overthinking everything. Was I happy? Did he really love me? Was I making him happy? Would he always stand by me? And, again, was I happy??? 

And I've realised that my relationship with Mr Melon was great in so many ways, but it's OK that it's over. I don't think I'm mature enough for a relationship yet...!!! They're just so serious, and I put so much pressure on them to fill me up with happiness. Whereas, now that I'm back to being the Mayoress of Singleton, I can go back to making life a barrel of banter. 

My New Years' Resolution is to just take things less seriously, and (oh, God, I'm such a cringe) to find myself. I sound like I'm about to go on a Gap Yah to Indonesia. But I'm serious - I'm now 20, so it's time I start taking care of myself.

Your twenties are there to learn from the mistakes you made as a teen, to move on, to try and be the best version of yourself you can be, and to have a LOT of fun! So, that's the aim for this decade.

Keep you posted on how that goes,
Grammar Gal