Across the country, millions of Brits have caught something that closely resembles what uni students call Freshers' Flu. Body parts are aching, we are too tired to get up in the morning, and our throats feel as dry as Frankie Boyle's sense of humour. In times like these, we can hardly muster the enthusiasm for the future drunken escapades of the New Year, and just the sight of red wine is enough to make us gag.
But darker times lie ahead - we all know that January Blues are a real thing. There's nothing to really look forward to in January - unless you're a disturbing couple and have already picked out your 'His & Hers' matching onesies for Valentine's Day gifts. January is also a bugger of a month because it is absolutely freezing - yet, unlike December, it doesn't feel magical because it's not Christmas. In effect, January sucks balls.
So with this in mind, I suggest that we all get out of bed, jump into the magical and warm embrace of something called a shower, and carpe that diem! We only have a week and a bit before the Most Terrible Month of the Year, so let's swear off alcohol until New Year's Eve, eat some gross healthy green stuff and get our lives together (or at least give the impression that we do!)
Pep talk over.