Friday, 29 March 2013

A Hearty Farewell to Curly Haired Guy

For once in my life, a relationship (or, to be more exact, a pre-relationship) has ended and IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.
Curly Haired Guy texted me from Spain to tell me that he urgently needed me to call him (which naturally I did not do because I am not a gazillionaire). He then texted me instead.
Now, I was naively expecting a text saying that he really liked me, or something along those lines, so you can imagine my surprise when I opened a text telling me that he he's been thinking and he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to see each other anymore (the irony that we never dated haha) and thinks we should just be friends. His reason is what pisses me off. He said that my committment issues made him scared that he'd get too attached to me and then I'd break up with him and he didn't know if he could take that.
I felt awful.
For once in my life I came close to grovelling. I sent him a text saying I don't care about my committment issues and I still think we should try to work things out between us on a date.
THEN. Oh my, I'm too bloody angry to even type.
Deep breaths.
Then. I got to school and told one of my friends about what had happened and how bad I felt (I had woken up at 4.20am and read the text and hadn't been able to get back to sleep!!). She told me that what Curlly Haired Guy has said was Utter Bullshit because he snogged (or "made out with" if you're not British!) a girl last weekend.
I was OUTRAGED that he had made me feel so awful!!!!
I sent him another text to contradict my grovelling one, saying "actually, on second thoughts, you are definitely NOT my type since I no longer date knobheads, so "just friends" suits me perfectly cheers :D"
He came back with the Standard Response - that she came on to him and he backed away etc...
But then he came up with a whole other list of excuses for us not to date:
1. His wont of desire to be in a relationship.
2. His massive workload
3. The way that the kiss with the girl "made him realise he didn't like me" (his words)

So I just thought: Fuck it. We ended things "just friends" but as you can imagine I would rather lick Nick Clegg's feet than talk to him ever again.
And as for these lips, they are taking a break from kissing,  because they always seem to kiss manwhores (Dan From Holiday, Shy Guy, Tree and now CHG the Biggest Manwhore in History).
I'm going to play hard-to-get. Oooh and I'm dying my hair back to brunette - these blonde highlights have brought me little luck in the Love Game whereas when I was brunette I had a deep and loving friendship with an amazing Knight who was not a manwhore. Coincidence? I think not! Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes don't fall for manwhores.
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Things Not to Say on a First Date

Hola amigos,
Recently I've been thinking about first dates (because, hopefully, Curly Haired Guy should be taking me out on one soon, like he promised).
This date determines what he thinks of you, your opinion of him, whether you want to see him again or whether you would rather lick David Cameron's foot.
Using my experience of the (2) first dates I have been on, as well as the gazillion films I have watched as..."research", I have come up with a List of Things that Us Gals Should Not Say on a First Date:

1. "Brrrrrr I'm cold": This will just bug you if he doesn't offer you his jacket (which he won't if you are on a date with any of the unromantic lads who live in England). Yes, in the movies he will oblige. In real life when I tried this he just said I should have worn more clothing. Not romantic. At all.
2. "I can't believe you asked me out" - if you say things like this then he will start wondering 'yeah, why did I ask you out'. It's all about psychological shit. If you have a bucket load of confidence then he will think he's the luckiest guy in the world. Or, if he was out on a date with me, the country. Or maybe just the town. Fuck it, he'll be the luckiest guy down his road.
3. This isn't so much a what not to say point, but generally speaking you shouldn't hide who you are. For me, for instance, I am completely wacky and myself with Curly Haired Guy because my attitude is that if he doesn't like me for me, then fuck 'im!
4. "Your laugh is really camp" - trust me, he won't find it funny...
5. "Your top is really camp" - again, don't get nervous and royally cock-up the situation as I do. Regularly.
6. "Call me soon" - don't tell him what to do, or he'll think you're too into him, and might then lose interest (it's a sad world we live in, girls).
7. "My friends were so wrong about you" - don't let him know that you've talked about him behind his back. Guys try to be "macho" and "tough" but deep down they hate being talked about behind their backs. Unlike misogynistic John Gray who wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, I think guys and girls are pretty alike.
8. "Should I pay or...?" - like with the jacket/'I'm cold' thing don't expect too much. Offer to pay so that he can see you're independent. Guys get pissed off if you expect them to pay for you when you're living in the 21st Century!

Think that just about sums it up. Now remember gals, don't cock things up!
I undoubtedly shall when CHG eventually does take me out.
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

The Cat and Mouse Game

Hello chums,
It has come to my attention that there are certain rules for when a guy and girl are on the verge of starting to date (the stage where they're still flirting and figuring out if they like each other):
1. Guys don't like to be chased. As I know from previous experience I am a rubbish chaser and royally cocked up the situation with Prince (pun was not intended, but let's appreciate how punderful that was :o) when I asked him out, he saw the message and he didn't reply. Moving swiftly on...!
2. Girls still have to play hard-to-get right up until the first declaration of feelings or the first date. I find this hard. My idea of being coy is giving a boy a wink. In my head. I would never risk winking in real life because when I do I look like I have a twitch. Not exactly attractive.
3. There is such a thing as Too Much Texting.

These 3 rules have become clear to me with this Thing (I'm not sure how to define it) with Curly Haired Guy. We're not dating, we've kissed a few times and he says he likes me but...I've broken all the rules. I've chased him and even Double Texted (sending a message, then sending another one. Oh the cringiness that is my life...!) and I haven't been playing hard to get. I'm just no good at the Cat and Mouse Game of the beginning of the relationship.

However, all of this is about to change!

I suppose the Wake-up Call was where I realised that I had Double Texted and then I considered ringing Curly Haired Guy because he had not replied to my texts...20 minutes after I had sent them.
Basically, I'm playing the Cat and Mouse game but the wrong way around - I shouldn't be doing the chasing!
As most of you know, I am generally a feminist on most points but on this I am afraid that I am the anti-feminist (the Barbie, if you will). The guy has to chase the girl, because if he's not chasing you then He's Just Not That Into You (as I learned from My Bible - the amazing book).
And I've been chasing Curly Haired Guy, which is SO NEW FOR ME. Argh. The solution to this problem is that I shall play the Cat and Mouse game and I shall not text him until he has replied to my text  2 texts.
Sigh. Why is life so bloody complex? Oh well, other than being a bit Over The Top I have not cocked up the Curly Haired Guy situation...yet.
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal

Monday, 18 March 2013

The Mole

I don't know if any of you have ever watched a spy movie, but in these films there is usually a mole, as I know from my James Bond (or, more precisely, my Pierce Brosnan) obsession.
This mole tells the secrets of one party to another party. It's a total betrayal.
In girl culture, it's part of Girl Code that we avoid being Moles. In theory. In practise, there are many Moles (who are also called Gossips or, in an extreme sense, Bitches) amongst us.
In boy culture, I think they're all Moles to be honest. If you tell a guy something then you are also telling his 10 closest friends.

I'm in a slight confusion, because today I finally mustered up the courage to talk to my friend (the one who kissed Curly Haired Guy, the boy who I currently sort-of like and he likes me too). She was slightly cold (which is fair enough given the circumstances!) but she also added that she knew that I kissed CHG [Curly Haired Guy] at a party we went to the other day.

HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS. The only people that knew were:
1. My close friend who doesn't really talk to the other Friend
2. One of my other friends who told me to keep me and CHG under wraps and not say anything - hence why would she tell the Friend?
3. CHG, who I told not to tell anyone about our kiss or it would cause problems. He promised not to.

So who's the mole?
I'll leave this one up to you, Pierce Brosnan.
I'm confuddled.

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Meet Janice

Last night I was a Sober Cobra but perhaps verging on being a Tipsy Gypsy and yet I was still really weird.
I am just a naturally weird person and one of the things that I loved about Knight was that he was also a weird person and that he liked me FOR my weirdness instead of IN SPITE OF my weirdness.
Curly Haired Guy likes me IN SPITE OF my weirdness.
I can just tell by how he reacts when I do weird things like...
1. Pretend to be playing Call of Duty when the TV's not even on
2. Tell him about my phobia of meerkats
3. Make weird jokes
4. Listen to Magic FM

One of his friends even said I am the "weirdest person" he has "ever met".
But it's not in a good way.
My mum has always told me that I'm a bit quirky, which I took to be a good thing, because I like people that are quirky (like Zooey Deschanel) but last night the boys made me feel like I've crossed the line from quirky into weird.
In short, I felt like Janice from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (only minus the annoying laugh and the catchphrase)
Everytime I said something weird after CHG left I could tell that I was annoying.
And there was nothing I could do about it, that's just what I'm like!
And I met a boy who is the WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD and I HATE him. I know this sounds extreme but listen to what he did...
He was slut-shaming (calling girls sluts) and I told him not to do that because it's wrong
Then he was saying that if you call a slut then it's like saying he's a legend
Then I told him to shut up because I'm a feminist
Then they were all shocked and this Scumbag said "Really? And there I was thinking all feminists were fat"
EURGH. He is so annoying -.-

By the bye, I wasn't going to go to the party last night, but then loads of my friends met up without me to go to the theatre so I just thought "Fuck it" and I went :-)
CHG is....Arghh I don't know what's happening with him. Naturally we kissed again, but I felt obliged to, I didn't particularly want to. It's just kind of expected of us now..?
I don't know!
ALSO I heard something truly heartbreaking. According to the Private School Boys, Knight (who used to go to their school) is marrying Sutcliffe.
I just feel so blue. Because I always thought that somewhere down the line I'd meet him again and we'd start talking and BAM! I'd fix what I cocked up.
But, alas, no....

Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Grammar Gal at the Office

I am currently sitting at a desk with a boiling cup of tea which I am too scared to drink, for fear of losing my tongue. I'm on Work Shadowing for the week and I've been writing articles and filing all week, which has been fun, but I'm not 100% sure if journalism is for me (I'm considering biting the bullet and going into publishing, thereby ignoring my Carrers' Guidance Councillor who told me it's a "dying profession").
In about 48 minutes I have to interview a successful children's author on the phone, which should not be too scary considering it will be done on the phone but
A. I have a sore throat and every time I speak it feels like little elves are tickling me.
B. I am a very shy person if truth be told, and the prospect of interviewing a complete STRANGER is pretty scary.
C. This lady's book is awesome. It's so good that it's a bit intimidating, and I read it in 2 days' straight.
D. I'm socially awkward and prone to cocking things up (as you know).

This morning I got to work on time as opposed to 20 minutes early! :O And I've already written 2 articles. Feeling rather productive for once in my life -  wooo!

ARGHHHHH Thought my tea was cold enough and it was still lava-temperature, so my mouth is on fire!! However, must look normal and composed so the others in the office will think I am normal.
That shouldn't be too difficult, right?

On the boy front, I have been speaking to Curly Haired Guy pretty regularly and it's all going swell. We won't rush into anything and shall keep things casual but we like him even more now because
1. He's stubborn like me
2. He (sometimes) makes me laugh
3. He likes banana milkshakes
4. He's very sweet and said he will miss me this weekend because I'm not going to his party.
I've put myself under Desk Arrest for a while so, yes, the old Grammar Gal is back! I'm swapping Pina Coladas for Post-its, and I'm happy with this choice!
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

The interview itself went fantabulously, she was witty and very bubbly and easy to interview.
However, the phone company cocked up and forgot to record the interview (despite us telling them to) so I had to write the interview from memory!! On the brightside, things went tits up and it wasn't my fault for a change :D
This afternoon, in 40 minutes to be exact, I am off to Chessington theme park for the launch of the new safari ride, and my bosses (the man and his wife) gave me £40 Topshop vouchers!! Shopaholic is currently in heaven!
The only dilemma of today has been the Chocolate Consumption. Throughout the week I have been eating an average of 3-4 chocolate bars A DAY and this really must stop.
Which reminds me...
Last night I did VOLUNTARY EXERCISE for the first time since I tried to become a cheerleader. It was a 10 Minutes Pilates video and though I swore at the patronising stick insect more that was necessary and, on occassion, sat up and said "Who the fuck can do THAT" I didn't wholly give up and I'm going to try to do the DVD a few times a week in my effort to become a Gymmie. We'll see how long it lasts...

Friday, 8 March 2013

Confustion and Mixed Feelings - a Drunk Skunk Post

I kissed Curly Haired Guy. I tried not to. We were talking for aaaaages and then I went next door and then he looked melancholic so I went out again with him to the basement and we were talking again (a DMC about my commitment issues and how I'll like someone then change my mind for no reason).
And then one thing led to another and...we just started kissing.
As the first time, it was was goooooood.
He's a very very good kisser.
He should be in the Olympics for Kissing (it's a sport!)
But we have to keep it on the Down-Low since I haven't talked to my friend yet
But, between you and I, chums, I can't bring myself to say to her "I like CHG" I?!
I keep changing my mind.
I'm such a useless numpty and I don't blame you for hating me for my annoyingness.

HOWEVER, here is an Awkward Annecdote to make you (hopefully) pity me:
For 20 mins I was sitting down on the floor and the guys were looking at my Builders Bum until my friend told me. How embarrassing! Hopefully they've all forgotten but still....Cringe!!

Keep you posted on the CHG situation...
Grammar Gal xxx

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Do Looks Matter?

I'm in a bit of a dilemma.
Curly Haired Guy is nice, and (occassionally) funny, and (when I'm a drunk skunk at least) I'm very attracted to him. He's also very sweet, and says cute things, like promising to hold my hair if I'm sick, and promising not to get me drunk.
In person we have great conversations, albeit our text convos aren't as great (but text convos rarely are!)
However, my main problem is so shallow that I feel like I should be nominated for the World's Biggest Douchebag: I don't find Curly Haired Guy attractive.
Sure, he has black curly hair, but it's not floppy, it's just...there.
And he's so pale that he could easily be a Cullen.
And he just looks very....young. And he is younger than me by 8 MONTHS. Even though he acts like he's older than me, it's still a Massive Turn-Off.
Similarly, the fact I don't find him attractive is a Turn Off for me.
Which makes me feel like a Twatface Knobhead.
But he's not ugly, and my mother and my best friend both believe he's "sweet-looking" and "OK-looking". I have bizarre taste remember (David Cameron makes me drool huminahumina-aah), so that may have something to do with it, too.
Keep you posted and please don't hate me for these shallow thoughts which have entered my brain!
Grammar Gal xxx

Saturday, 2 March 2013

I wish I didn't have willpower

He is
A. Cute
B. Cute
C. Cute

He is sweet and said he'd hold my hair if I needed him to because he "cares a lot about" me
And he kissed my forehead
And he understood my commitment issues
And I'm physically attracted to him
And his spelling has improved after I started correcting him!

He's perfect
My friend was like "you can't get with him yet" and I told him, he was gutted, but he understood

Ahh he's super-cute
I am currently eating Ben & Jerry's, the 2 men who have stuck by me through thick and thin
But Curly Haired Guy is so cute! He told his taxi to wait 10mins because he needed to talk to me!
But I couldn't kiss him - it isn't right yet
But I wanted to. Badly.
He is Yum on Toast.
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

P.S. I'm drunk as a skunk right now