Monday, 29 April 2013

The Knight Debate

According to my friends, guys and girls can't be just friends. Hmmmm....well in One Day they are just friends. Although, actually, they do end up together in the end.
Fine, I can't think of any examples now, but guys and girls can be just friends - especially if one of them has a girlfriend. 
Yesterday I met up with Knight. For those of who who don't know, he's the guy best friend I had for 2 years who then bitchslapped my heart when he went off with his girlfriend. But I have a very forgive-and-forget nature so I'm over that now :)
It was just....easy yesterday - we get on really well and things are so simple because we know each other like a fridge knows magnets. OK that was a shit analogy but you get my drift... The only downside was that I’m fucking terrified of squirrels and I fell out of a tree because he said there was one behind me. Turns out I’m not that graceful :’)
But things are so complicated now because
A. He’s engaged. He told me he didn’t want to be engaged and it was a drunk proposal taken the wrong way but, as one of my friends said today: “He’s engaged. You can’t see him anymore”
B. His girlfriend is pretty co-dependent on him and he’s made her loads of promises.
C. Nobody trusts us to just be friends – including his girlfriend. He had to lie to her to be able to meet up with me which made me

And I was talking to my friends about The Knight Situation today and they were divided – half of the group told me to leave him alone because he has a girlfriend/fiancĂ© and I shouldn’t be a homewrecker and even if we were friends, something could still happen. Some of them said that Knight is a cutiepie and I should stay friends with him. But, generally, it was unanimously agreed that Knight is a Knob who should either break up with his girlfriend or stay away from me – he can’t have his cake and eat it.

If any of you have ever read Jane Eyre you’ll know that he is like Rochester, complaining about his “mad” wife Bertha (Sutcliffe in this case) and I’m like Jane (yay, she’s a badass). It’s just complex but basically Rochester is manipulative and tries to persuade Jane to pity him, but really she should be pitying Bertha because she’s had a shit life. That is my predicament. However, Jane still loves Rochester and they do end up together. I am doubtful that Iwill end up with Knight because so much has changed and he’s so much more mature than I am and he has a girlfriend.

Why can’t things ever be simple...
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

According to Knight I over-complicate things. Here is the NEW RULES: Knight is my friend, he has a girlfriend who he does love even if she is hard work. He is engaged to her and he bought her a ring. He is Strictly Off Limits and I'm fine with that :) 
I don't think I have time for anyone other than Charles I at the moment anyway...

Friday, 26 April 2013

The Mechanics of A Manwhore

Lately I've been having a niggling guilt that I haven't written here in AAAAAGES!! And I've missed this!
So here we are, the first post of about 3 which I am about to write: The Mechanics of a Manwhore.
Basically, I have realised that the 4 Manwhores in my life: Dan the Loverat (my drunken First Kiss with an 18-yr-old who was ashamed of me and was kissing loads of other girls too), Tree (kissed one of my friends 2 days after me), Rockerfella (just is a manwhore and I'm blanking him because he wants to be friends with benefits and I'd rather have a bath with a frog) and The Manwhore of all manwhores - the Master Manwhore if you will - Curly Haired Guy, who gave me glandular fever WHICH IS NOT AN STD - I NEVER HAD SEX WITH THIS BOY, IT WAS JUST INNOCENT KISSING SO TO ALL OF THE GALS WHO SAY IT'S AN STD YOU ARE WRONG AND I AM TEMPTED TO SPIT IN YOUR WATER BOTTLES. GRRRRRRR.

All of these boys had certain values in common:
1. Manipulative - they are clever with their words and very persuasive, especially when you are drunk. They make you feel like you're the only one in the room and that kissing them is a romantic concept because they're "really into you" (a direct quote from Curly Haired Guy 2 weeks before he went out with Good-with-Men, his new girlfriend). And you believe them because you're a hopeless romantic.
How to tackle this quality: Ask yourself: Does he only want to see you when you're drunk? Does he flaunt you off to his friends? Does he always lean in to kiss you? Is he disinterested in your opinions? If the answer to all of these questions is "yes" then ignore him and don't kiss him and don't give in to his manipulation - if necessary, ask a girl friend to be your wingwoman and ensure you steer clear of him.

2. Attractive - these guys (excluding Rocherfella) are all relatively good looking and you're attracted to them when they smile that coy little smile or give you that wink. BUT they know they are attractive and they use this to get with naive girls like us.
How to tackle this quality: Firstly, remember that you are pretty hot yourself and give yourself a confidence boost - so what if he's good-looking? You don't need  to get with him, you can get with anyone - including a nicer guy who is not a manwhore.

3. The Pout: There is a certain pout which all Manwhores use. I'm not sure where they learn it, perhaps they were taken aside in primary school and taught it. Basically, if you turn a manwhore down then they will do The Pout which, if you're a softie like me, will make you give in and want to cheer them up. Not exactly the most romantic reason to kiss someone.
How to tackle this quality: Get a grip. He's a grown boy. If you don't want to kiss him then don't.

4. Sex-mad: Needless to say, Manwhores are sex-mad so beware. If he says he likes you then that translates to: "you let me kiss you and until I find a girl who lets me have sex with her, I will stay with you". If you won't have sex with him (like I would not, of course) then you are his Sloppy Seconds - he's waiting for a girl who's willing to go all the way. Because, let's face it, that's what guys want at this age.
How to tackle this quality: Do NOT have sex with him - that is not the answer! Do NOT kiss him because he will leave you for someone who is willing to go further. If you're just looking for a bit of fun then, sure, kiss as many Manwhores as you want. But just don't get attached to them because they will Love you and Leave you. Trust me.

5. Top Wing-man: This wingman is great - he's funny, and lovely and sweet and you think to yourself "if his best friend is so nice and speaks so highly of him, then this guy must be great!". WRONG: They try to trick you with the wingman. The Manwhore needs the lovely Wingman to make friends with the Girl and then when she starts to like the Wingman as a friend, the Manwhore shares the credit because he's best friends with the Wingman so the Girl thinks she could have a similar friendship with the Manwhore. In reality: the Manwhore just wants to kiss you and the Wingman is there to make you think that the relationship means more (it's hard to explain...!)

Think that covers it all! 
So the moral of the story is: beware of Manwhores because they are evil and they may give you glandular fever,

Sunday, 21 April 2013

Reasons Not to be Friends With Benefits

For those of who can't remember, here's a recap of Rockerfella: he is a boy I met in year 11 (last year) and he was very flirty but I was not attracted to him so we stayed friends and he went and got a string of girlfriends whilst I pined after Knight. He gave me hilarious relationship advice (i.e. "just get with everyone, darling, enjoy being single") and now he's back.
But now he's single.
And everything seems to have changed. Personally, I know that I am not attracted to RF - he doesn't have the same sense of humour as me, and sometimes he rabbits on about stuff I'm not interested in. But yesterday, a week after his girlfriend dumped him, he texted me out of the blue and we started catching up. And then he asked me the Cringey Question that every gal hopes her guy friend will never ask her: Would I consider Friends With Benefits?!

Well, obviously not! And here are my reasons:
1. It would make me feel cheap.
2. I'm a hopeless romantic and I'd have to love or be extremely attracted to the guy to do anything with him.
3. RF is not my type and just thinking about that with him makes me cringe!
4. If a guy doesn't want to be your boyfriend and change that Facebook relationship status from 'single' to 'in a relationship' then he's really Not That Into You.
5. Guys take what they want and then leave - a boyfriend could do this, too, but it's more stable than Friends with Benefits.
6. It would ruin the friendship.
7. One of you may develop feelings for the other (see Friends With Benefits or No Strings Attached for proof) which would make things awkward.

Is this all that's on offer now? Have I gone from having a boy I truly loved, who never laid a finger on me (except to pick me up or hug me and kiss my forehead) to having cringey manwhores (i.e. Curly Haired Guy and Dan The Loverat and Shy Guy and Tree) and boring guys (i.e. Rockerfella and Nice Guy) vying for my attention (or, in the case of the manwhores, bitchslapping my heart)?!!!

It appears that I am still cynical. Sigh.
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

New Wave of Cynicism

I can't pin-point the exact moment when I decided that I would rather lick the Queen's feet than have a boyfriend right now. It may have started when Curly Haired guy dumped me for that 10-year old (well, she's 16. It's practically the same thing) and blamed it on my "commitment issues" when really he just wanted an easier girlfriend.
But I feel so...
I stand by my belief system that a girl and a guy should kiss when they are really into each other. I have only ever kissed guys who were
A. Knobheads
B. Manwhores
C. Taking advantage of my Drunk Skunk state.

Enough is enough!
I am fed up with boys who just take what they want and then leave (i.e. the allusive Knight and The Manwhore also known as Curly Haired Guy).
I am going to wait, and perhaps search in the summer if I get out of this I-hate-Men phase, for The Guy who will be patient with me despite my 500-Days-of-Summer/Breakfast-at-Tiffany's type of issues which make me, as my sister says, "complicated". I am finished with settling for second-best.

Speaking of second-best, there was a time that I believed every guy would be 'sloppy seconds' when compared to the alleged 'love of my life' Knight who got a girlfriend. But now I see clear as sunshine what a knobhead he is, when he apologised for being a "wanker" and then ignored me AGAIN.
So I told him, IN THESE EXACT WORDS, to stick his apology up his arse!
Wooo girl power :')

Keep you posted when I've joined a nunnery,
Grammar Gal xxx

Friday, 5 April 2013

Mind the Age Gap & Knight News

In this society where girls are constantly told that they should be looking for a knight in shining armour it is assumed that he will be older and taller and protective - like the guy who sings Sixteen Going on Seventeen in The Sound of Music before he becomes a Nazi.
But this poses the problem: does age really matter?
With Curly Haired Guy the fact that he was a few months younger than me really bothered me. It felt like he was just too...young and immature I suppose. And then there's the fact that he's a whole YEAR younger than you in numbers - i.e. I'm 17 and he is 16, which just sounds cringey.
It's just better when the guy is older!
Then again, people say that Love is Blind and if you like a guy then age shouldn't matter (so long as he's not a child, of course!).
I'll leave it up to you to decide but, for me, I think that older is better (although I'd say that over 8 years older is pushing it...!)

More Curly Haired Guy news...
- He has a girlfriend who has just turned 16 (as in, last week she was 15 - I feel so old!)
- He gave me glandular fever - a kissing disease passed from person to person by their saliva. He doesn't have to have it to pass it on - he could be the carrier of someone else's glandular fever. Basically, it means that I will be super-tired for the next 2 months (including for my exams. What a bastard)
- I liked his relationbship status on Facebook. Because I'm petty and silly but CAN WE JUST REMEMBER that he said he didn't care about my relationship issues and would wait for me because he "really really like[d]" me.
Eurgh. Tosser.

And speaking of Tossers, I have Knight News...
He texted me a few days ago saying he misses me and we need to talk and he apologises for being a "wanker". I forgave him and we chatted for a bit. Then the texts stopped. As they always do. For anyone that doesn't know: Knight is a knobhead who I was infatuated with and didn't express my feelings towards so he got a girlfriend. But now it's become ridiculous: I let him walk all over me and I never stand up for myself when he ignores me. This will change. I can feel an angry "get out of my life" text coming...

So, yeah, to summarise: Knight and Curly Haired Guy are both Utter Twatfaces but CHG is worse because he gave me glandular fever. I now officially hate him and wish bad things on him.
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal xxx