Thursday, 27 August 2015

Classy Girls

I've always loved Audrey Hepburn. Not only does she have flawless style in all of the films I've seen her in (I mean, have you SEEN her little black dress at the start of Breakfast at Tiffany's?!) but she's just so...elegant. The way she climbs into a taxi and says "Step on it, darling!" is just so classy. She oozes sophistication throughout. 
So I always assumed that I was an Audrey Hepburn type. I mean, this idea has been aided by the fact I went to an all-girls' Convent, where we learned (kinda) how to be ladies. Or we learned the next best thing - how to be sassy. And Latin - we had to learn Latin...

And yet...

The thing is, I'm about as classy as Simon Cowell is compassionate - the two just don't go hand in hand. I think that I only fully realised this t'other day. I was going out with some of my old Year 12 guy friends, and my best friend Yazz. Curly Haired Guy was also there - and he has not changed a bit!! He's still a cocky bum who is very charming and can be slimey when he's drunk!!

But in all seriousness, CHG is lovely - and he's such a hoot to be around! We were having a laugh at the start of the night, and I was being my usual Queen of Sass self...and then I hit the Vodka Wall. I was beyond drunk. The line of drunkness was a dot to me. Not only was I not allowed into the club we were going to, but I threw up on the pavement outside it. In from of CHG. Cringe-worthy or what?!

And he was being so bloody nice - and he stayed outside and chatted with me for like an hour. And he let me rest my head on his shoulder. I was still with Mr Melon at the time and of course I dont think of CHG in that way but I have to admit that it was nice being taken care of. Maybe Freud was onto something when he said that we all secretly fancy our parents - because I seriously dig the protective vibe thing.

But anyways. Back to my point. I spent the whole night throwing up in the club's toilets (after they eventually let me in...A bad judgement call on their part) and being a genuine embarrassment. WHY DO I HAVE NO CLASS?!?!

Funily enough, I haven't really heard from CHG since that evening...
Oh well, I guess my guy friends were under the false impression that uni would have changed me and made me more "mature" and "able to handle my drink". But, alas. A leopard never changes its spots!

Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal

Friday, 7 August 2015

Sleeping over at a boy's house

I blame my all-girls grammar school upbringing for my awkwardness around members of the opposite sex. Whenever I'm in a room with them, I can feel my heart beating really fast - not in a "oooh he's so dreamy" way, but in a "OMG WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I SAY TO THIS MYTHICAL CREATURE?!?!" way.
So you can imagine how I was feeling when I went and stayed round at my friend's house t'other day. I had so many queries before I even left my house, like
A. What kind of pyjamas does one bring to a boy-girl sleepover? I mean, it's hot so I want to wear shorts, but then do shorts give off a sexual message? Would the guys think I was sending off a "Come and Get It" signal?? So then I thought about taking long trousers but, alas, it's so hot in England at the moment that it's practically the south of France! So I took both shorts and trousers and decided to choose a pair when I got there (I chose shorts in the end because I realised that I have the sex appeal of a gremlin, and that my guy friends would know I wasn't coming onto them anyway!)
B. Where does one sleep at a boy-girl sleepover? In my head, the boys and girls would be lying side-by-side in the living room, or top-tailing on the sofas. But does that constitute sleeping with someone else? If I did that then would that mean I was cheating on my dreamy Mr Melon??? In the end, my guy friend (who was hosting the massive sleepover) decided to let all the girls have the beds - it was a very Titanic moment (you know, where women and children get to go on the lifeboats first) and very...'gentlemanly' according to everyone there. The feminist in me was a wee bit outraged that women were being sectioned off in this way, since it implied that we could not deal with sleeping on the floor. But the sleepyhead in me was not in the mood to make a fuss and, besides, the guy's bed was super comfy!
C. Is it OK to go to the loo at a boy's house? To this day, I'm not sure what the protocol is. I've been to parties at boys' houses before and I always try to hold it. If I'm reallllly desperate, then I allow myself to pee in their house. But what if I needed to do a Number Two?? (This did actually happen at the sleepover!!! I had to hold it in for DAYS. Oh, the agony :'( ). If I was sleeping over at a girl's house then I guess I would have the same dilemma... But it just seems so much worse at a boy's house!

With all of these questions whizzing around my head, I was naturally nervous to stay over. But I ended up having a whale of a time - it was a real hoot and a half!! I also feel like I learned a lot...
1. Beer pong is NOT fun, unless you are
A. Drunk.
B. Invited to play.

2. Boys like to talk about sex when they're drunk.

3. Boys like to lie about whether they vommed or not. My guy friend was vomming in the loo and I could hear him in there, but the next day he said "Yeah, I did chunder once - it was in your neighbour's front lawn - sorry about that!! Banter..?!?!" AND THAT WAS A LIE!! I heard him puking his guts out IN THE TOILET like a decent citizen :')

4. Boys are obsessed with banter.

5. Sometimes at a sleepover, the host will act like a Father Figure. This really baffled me. So I was getting into bed with my female friend, and we were getting all cosy when I suddenly looked up and saw the scariest tiger animal in the world! Its eyes were so piercing and creepy and oooo I'm getting shivers just remembering him. So, yes, I may have let out a little scream. Suddenly, the host was in our room and cracking up about my phobia of this tiger. He brought the tiger towards me and made me stroke it, then told me to take it to bed with me to cure the phobia. At the end of this chat, when my friend and I were back in bed, he said "Night girls" and turned the light off. It was so fatherly!!! I felt very much like a 5-year-old who had just been cuddled after having a nightmare. So bizarre!!!

6. It's OK to use a boy's towel. Now, I had always thought that boy's towels were Strictly Off Limits - because they wipe their...bananas with them. And I don't want to wipe my face with something that boys have wiped their bananas (and oranges!) on. But at sleepovers it is apparently totally normal to borrow a boy's towel. Naturally, I tried to avoid using the towel on my...private areas (what if I somehow got pregnant?!?!).

So anyways, it was a very educational and fun trip!

I have a party coming up tomorrow night and it's fancy dress (Theme: Country of your choice) so, naturally, mother wants me to dress up as a sexy Hawaiin dancer or something. But I'm thinking of painting myself red and going as the dragon from the Welsh flag... I really hope this isn't going to be like when Georgia dresses up as an olive in Angus Thongs... That would be beyond awks!!
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal

Sunday, 2 August 2015

Meet the Artful Dodger

The other day I had the most mahoosive blast from the past, which came in the shape of a very tall boy with curly black hair...Yes, for those of you who remember him, it was Curly Haired Guy. I've always liked that nickname because it makes me think of a boy with a Pubic Hair-style, and that's a giggle-worthy image. I mean, would the guy brush his hair if it was so short and curly?? Do people comb their pubic hair?? Ooooo I'm not liking this train of thought (or the mental images that are accompanying it). Must not google whether people comb pubic hair. Must stay on track with my story.

OK, as I was saying. I saw CHG (whose hair does not look like pubic hair - just for the record!) t'other day at a gathering (yes, we are in year 12 again!) and we got to talking. The conversation was easy and light (partly because I was a complete drunk skunk, and would have had a very animating conversation with a lampost if I had happened to see one) and I don't remember much of it, but it was nice.

Obviously that door is well and truly closed. There isn't even a twitch of longing there anymore which is gooooooood - CHG and I will forever only be amigos (ever since he ditched me for that 8-year-old two years ago...Totes over that...That clealry didn't wound my ego. At all...)

I'm being side-tracked from my story once again. ANYWAYS. I was talking to CHG and I remember him saying "you're exactly the same as you were two years ago" (I think that's a compliment - I mean, I hate change - as my parents will testify, since I've been ranting about our new kitchen lights for a good two weeks now...) BUT THEN HE ADDED "well...your accent has changed a bit actually. You keep slipping into cockney".

So it turns out that University has tranformed me into a member of the cast of Oliver. Yes, I do drop my 't's occassionally now - because I'm a lazy daisy (and 'wa'er' is the same thing as 'water' for goodnes' sake!). But I was not aware that my new-found accent was going to affect the way that people saw me. Hmmm....I guess, some people at uni do say I sound like I'm from Eastenders.

But I don't know what's happening with my accent at the moment - it literally has a life of its own! One minute, I'm Stacey from Eastenders, then suddenly I'm posh tottie Miranda Hart, and then I sometimes sound like I'm from the West Country (think 'Alice' from The Vicar of Dibley - according to one of my best friends, which is the height of rudeness!!).

So, CHG has made me start thinking... Do people frown upon the cockney accent? In this day and age, is it compulsory to be posh?? If I was in a job interview then I would probably put on a fake accent (the aforementioned Miranda Hart one) and then start dropping my 't's when they were stuck with me (mwahahaha). But when it comes to socialising with your friends...

I don't know. I've also realised that my voice sounds a lot more...'London' when I'm nervous. It's like  the accent has special poowers that make me into a social butterfly!

So, to conclude, I'm happy with my weird accent! And CHG will just have to learn to speak the lingo :')
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal