Friday, 26 April 2013

The Mechanics of A Manwhore

Lately I've been having a niggling guilt that I haven't written here in AAAAAGES!! And I've missed this!
So here we are, the first post of about 3 which I am about to write: The Mechanics of a Manwhore.
Basically, I have realised that the 4 Manwhores in my life: Dan the Loverat (my drunken First Kiss with an 18-yr-old who was ashamed of me and was kissing loads of other girls too), Tree (kissed one of my friends 2 days after me), Rockerfella (just is a manwhore and I'm blanking him because he wants to be friends with benefits and I'd rather have a bath with a frog) and The Manwhore of all manwhores - the Master Manwhore if you will - Curly Haired Guy, who gave me glandular fever WHICH IS NOT AN STD - I NEVER HAD SEX WITH THIS BOY, IT WAS JUST INNOCENT KISSING SO TO ALL OF THE GALS WHO SAY IT'S AN STD YOU ARE WRONG AND I AM TEMPTED TO SPIT IN YOUR WATER BOTTLES. GRRRRRRR.

All of these boys had certain values in common:
1. Manipulative - they are clever with their words and very persuasive, especially when you are drunk. They make you feel like you're the only one in the room and that kissing them is a romantic concept because they're "really into you" (a direct quote from Curly Haired Guy 2 weeks before he went out with Good-with-Men, his new girlfriend). And you believe them because you're a hopeless romantic.
How to tackle this quality: Ask yourself: Does he only want to see you when you're drunk? Does he flaunt you off to his friends? Does he always lean in to kiss you? Is he disinterested in your opinions? If the answer to all of these questions is "yes" then ignore him and don't kiss him and don't give in to his manipulation - if necessary, ask a girl friend to be your wingwoman and ensure you steer clear of him.

2. Attractive - these guys (excluding Rocherfella) are all relatively good looking and you're attracted to them when they smile that coy little smile or give you that wink. BUT they know they are attractive and they use this to get with naive girls like us.
How to tackle this quality: Firstly, remember that you are pretty hot yourself and give yourself a confidence boost - so what if he's good-looking? You don't need  to get with him, you can get with anyone - including a nicer guy who is not a manwhore.

3. The Pout: There is a certain pout which all Manwhores use. I'm not sure where they learn it, perhaps they were taken aside in primary school and taught it. Basically, if you turn a manwhore down then they will do The Pout which, if you're a softie like me, will make you give in and want to cheer them up. Not exactly the most romantic reason to kiss someone.
How to tackle this quality: Get a grip. He's a grown boy. If you don't want to kiss him then don't.

4. Sex-mad: Needless to say, Manwhores are sex-mad so beware. If he says he likes you then that translates to: "you let me kiss you and until I find a girl who lets me have sex with her, I will stay with you". If you won't have sex with him (like I would not, of course) then you are his Sloppy Seconds - he's waiting for a girl who's willing to go all the way. Because, let's face it, that's what guys want at this age.
How to tackle this quality: Do NOT have sex with him - that is not the answer! Do NOT kiss him because he will leave you for someone who is willing to go further. If you're just looking for a bit of fun then, sure, kiss as many Manwhores as you want. But just don't get attached to them because they will Love you and Leave you. Trust me.

5. Top Wing-man: This wingman is great - he's funny, and lovely and sweet and you think to yourself "if his best friend is so nice and speaks so highly of him, then this guy must be great!". WRONG: They try to trick you with the wingman. The Manwhore needs the lovely Wingman to make friends with the Girl and then when she starts to like the Wingman as a friend, the Manwhore shares the credit because he's best friends with the Wingman so the Girl thinks she could have a similar friendship with the Manwhore. In reality: the Manwhore just wants to kiss you and the Wingman is there to make you think that the relationship means more (it's hard to explain...!)

Think that covers it all! 
So the moral of the story is: beware of Manwhores because they are evil and they may give you glandular fever,

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