It's 2.20am on New Years' Eve and I have never been more awake. This is absolutely unprecedented, since I am usually passed out by 10pm (that's not even an exaggeration - last year I was vomming by 9.15!) But this year, I was put on antibiotics 2 days before New Years, meaning I absolutely could not drink (NB: these were "really strong" antibiotics, so I was told that I couldn't even have a cheeky glass of champers, or there would be some sort of weird chemical reaction...after images of me frothing at the mouth, I decided to pass on this)
Yet even though I am a Sober Cobra, I've actually had an amazing night hosting a party for my friends. So I thought I would share some tips on how to enjoy your New Years without getting White Girl Wasted:
1. Take a LOT of Caffeine. One or two Diet Cokes will not be enough. I'd already had 5 mini cans of Diet Coke before my friends had even arrived. And then I played a little drinking game called "Drink a Mini Diet Coke Every Time My Friends Top Up Their Drink". Needless to say, I've had over 10 of the cans. I also had a caffeine tablet when I started my Caffeine Crash at about 11.
2. Find Sober Allies. These are the people you will be popping to caffeine tablets with and trying not to judge your drunk skunk friends with.
3. Don't judge your drunk friends. Nobody likes the sober judgy friend who raises their eyebrows and asks "are you sure that Tequila shot is a good idea?" Like, hell yeah it's a great idea! So what if they vom? Let them have their fun, you have no right to judge!
4. Let go. Sober dancing is my least favourite thing in the whole world. Dancing requires coordination and rhythm, neither of which I have mastered. So the only time I like to slut drop and generally move in time to music is when I am absolutely smashed. But, alas, that was not possible tonight! So I was awkwardly trying to get my hips to move and not look like a puppet doll as I danced to Single Ladies, which was of course impossible. But then I looked around and realised that most of my mates were totally smashed. So I just thought I'd follow the YOLO brick road, and I was jumping around and using walnuts as maracas.
5. Embrace the DMCs. Throughout the night you will be hugged very tightly - kisses may even be involved. And then your friend will want to open up about the value of your friendship, or some deep secret they've been keeping on their chest for 5 months. And don't just shrug it off and be like "Oh, she's only saying we're besties because she's on her 8th Sambuca shot". Like, no. Drunk words are sober thoughts, so take the DMC love!
6. Don't tidy. When you're drunk you are usually oblivious to the mess around you, but when you are sober it is disturbingly apparent. My carpet is currently 50 shades of ruined. So many different drinks have been spilled down it, and there are also blobs of vaseline, and cracked walnuts scattered everywhere. But resist the temptation to get out the Cif and do a bit of scrubbing - you will literally spend all night on the floor, and you aren't Cinderella now that you're at the ball!
7. Invest in ear plugs. My friends have now gone home, but my sisters' friends (who were even more smashed than mine - who knew that was possible?!) are still here. And I can hear them alternating in vomming from my room.
So they are the top tips for staying sober but having a fantabulous time.
Happy new year!