Monday, 22 June 2015

Misadventures in Cooking

My mother has made what can only be described as a catastrophic mistake. She has left me home alone and trusts me to cook my lunch and dinner. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a good cook. I’ve always been told that my toast and jam is Michelin-Rating-Worthy. And as for my Microwave Ready Meal – you’d think you were cooking something by Jamie Oliver.

But, alas, she has asked me to make myself boiled eggs for lunch. So, naturally, I went shopping and bought some sweets, thinking I could just eat loads of those and pretend I’d eaten lunch. But she’s quite a smart lady, my mother. And she called me to ask how the eggs were going. And, of course, they are still sitting snugly in the fridge. And I’m a terrible liar, so now I’m here in the kitchen trying to make Eggs and Soldiers. Mum says it’s “dead easy” and I just have to let them boil in water for 3 minutes. But what if it goes wrong and I boil the eggs for too long? What if there’s still a chicken in one of them and I end up eating a little baby chick by accident??

But I have far more qualms about dinner. Mum wants me to make Pork Chops. Pork. As in meat. I’ve never cooked meat before – do I need foil? I feel like in cooking shows they  use foil. But isn’t foil flammable? Would the foil set fire to my kitchen? And meat is just scary to cook – if it goes wrong then I’ll get food poisoning. And who knows if that could be fatal??

Nonetheless, I’m literally starving so I’m going to force myself to become a Domestic Goddess.
Keep you posted when I burn my house down,
Grammar Gal

PS How long does it take to boil this water for my eggs? Swear I’ve been waiting for at least 3 days…

Cooking Update
It turns out that the pork chops are out of a date by almost a month. Now, does that mean I can still eat them because they were in the freezer?? The back instructions are very ambiguous – it says “use by the sell by date” but also “use within a month” – does that mean use within a month of purchase or within a month of the sell-by date?
The chops themselves look a bit minging – there’s blood coming out of them. That indicates that they’re still fine to eat because otherwise wouldn’t the blood have mould on it or something…?
Heyho, I’m not taking the chance. After today’s culinary triumph with the boiled eggs (I mean, they did crack whilst in the pan but that was just a minor hiccup) I’ve decided to make scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. I might even throw in some of my critically acclaimed toast. So now I just need to google how to scramble an egg/eggs (do you use one or more??!).
Wish me luck!

Grammar Gal

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