Thursday, 28 February 2013

The end of the Knight Chapter and the lesson learned

For once, I'm afraid that I'm in a serious mood, since Facebook stalking Knight and his ridiculously cute relationship with Sutcliffe has made me feel....numb.

I think last night, when I was blogging, I had a revelation.
I realised that my Knight in Shining Abercrombie & Fitch was in no way to blame. I saw the situation through new eyes. I've always known that I wasn't forward enough with my feelings for Knight - I didn't tell him I was in love with him, albeit I told him I loved him twice (but he may have thought I meant platonically - I wasn't clear). However, I kept telling myself that he was also to blame for cutting me out of his life, for telling me he loved me and then getting a girlfriend.
But now I have a Fresh New Perspective, where I've realised that I led him on for 2 YEARS and then wasn't very open in my affection towards him. I told all my friends that I was in love with him, but I didn't explicitly tell him. So no wonder he got a girlfriend!
Now, however, I know that the problem lies with me.
I now know that even if a guy is perfect - like Knight was - I will never want to be their girlfriend until its too late. Or I'll find it too hard to express my feelings for them.
I still remember thinking Knight was totally not my type, just as I keep telling myself that Curly Haired Guy isn't my type. But I don't believe that I am capable of love at first sight, and I think that I grow to love people. I grew to love Knight, and I think I would grow to love Curly Haired Guy.

Knight is now forever in the past and I need to know that no matter how many drunk texts I send, drunken voicemails I leave him or letters I write him (only one, I'm not a stalker!), he is never going to come back. And he has no reason to. When I think of the facts of the matter I can see that what I did was wrong. The thing is, I always loved him and this is how I knew: I wanted to talk to him all the time about everything. However, the concept of dating someone freaked/still freaks me out. So I told him I didn't like him like that and we decided to just be friends for 2 years. We became very close, and he made me a much better, quirkier person and I'll always be glad that I knew him.
But now I can only learn from my mistakes; I just need to remember not to Friendzone Curly Haired Guy. True, he cannot compare to Knight. But nobody can compare to a girl's first love. Excluding Channing Tatum, of course.
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal

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