Friday, 5 June 2015

Farting in front of the boyfriend

It's my least favourite 'F' word. When I say/write/read it, it makes me cringe and involuntarily say 'urghhh'. Nonetheless, it's something we all do - we can't help it, we're animals!

But it seems to be an unspoken rule that one must not...'pop off' in front of one's partner. According to urban legend, the moment that the wind breaks, the relationship is changed forever.

And that does make sense - he hears/smells you 'pop off' and then what next? Will he expect you to have burping competitions? Will having a shit become an activity you do together? When farting in front of your partner, the main concern is that it sounds the death toll of romance in your relationship.

Yes, this all sounds like such hogwash and you may think I'm a total pillock for being so dramatic. But...


I did it. I was drunk and throwing up at the aforementioned predrinks  and as I was bent over and straining to throw up all of the Vodka I had mistakenly consumed, a little 'pop' came out of my bottom. And he heard. And I paused the throwing up to consider how best to die in that moment (drowning in my vomit was the best option I came up with) and said "I'm so sorry". He said not to worry and acted like it hadn't happened. Then the next day at lunch he mentioned it with a little smile on his face.

And I knew that things would never be the same again.

I farted in front of my boyfriend. Will he now think he can fart in front of me??? Well.... To be honest, farts don't bother me too much. It's burps that get me. They have the worst sound ever - it's like a duck being drowned and uttering it's last quack (can ducks drown???). And the smell...It's like when a dustbin truck is parked outside your house and wafting towards you. Ugh it's the definition of grim.

So maybe we will be OK if he just doesn't burp in front of me. I mean, maybe this is all actually a good thing. Normally when I need to pop off I go to the toilet, turn the tap on, pop then spray an entire can of Lynx to cover the scene of the crime. Maybe it would be nice to not have to go through all that effort and to just...let it go (literally).

Here's hoping!
Keep you posted,
Grammar Gal

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