Why am I such a fucking idiot?

I've been wondering this question for most of my life. I still do not know. Look, I just want Knight to be my best friend again, but now I have no idea if that's possible.
Oh yeah, by the way, we're meant to be meeting up this weekend (let's hope he doesn't cancel..)
And I was looking forward to meeting him again until my mother suddenly says:
1. He'll only break my heart (but he didn't break it in the first place! I just missed my witty and amazing friend)
2. I'll break his heart - I'm leading him on by meeting up with him and should leave things alone. But I need to talk to him - I want him to catch up with him and maybe tell him my side of the situation (?)
Either way, I feel like a God-awful person. I don't want to string him along because I do, in fact, love him - as my best friend. But all of that 'fancying' and being 'in love' with him is all in the past I think - I prefer thinking of him as my friend than my boyfriend.
But I don't want to fuck things up again. And I'm really scared he'll just ditch me.
Which brings me back to my opening question: why am I such a fucking idiot? Why do I have to have commitment phobia? Why the fuck can't I settle down and find someone?

But if Knight says he can't be friends with me after all the shit that has gone down in between, then I'll walk away - I refuse to drag him along again. I refuse to hurt him - he deserves so much more than me! He deserves a normal girl who is in love with him.

And I need more time.
And perhaps therapy.